


What Is Love

by sharedwithyou



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Humor, Awkward Cullen Rutherford, Cute Cole (Dragon Age), F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-23
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:55:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27164867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: “What is love?”You resisted singing the next line of the song you’d heard recently. The new resident in the pub was a gifted songwriter.But Cole had presented a difficult question. The greatest poets and philosophers could hardly answer it. Let alone a slightly drunk Inquisitor
Relationships: Cole (Dragon Age)/Reader, Cole (Dragon Age)/You, Cole/Cullen Rutherford/Original Female Character(s), Cullen Rutherford/Reader
Comments: 14
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So it’s about time we have some love to my fav bean in the entire game
> 
> Slightly spicier than my average fic hehehe
> 
> Enjoy!! Leave me a comment if you like 
> 
> Xoxo Bucky

“What is love?”

You resisted singing the next line of the song you’d heard recently. The new resident in the pub was a gifted songwriter.

But Cole had presented a difficult question. The greatest poets and philosophers could hardly answer it. Let alone a slightly drunk Inquisitor.

“You’re able to feel everyone’s emotions, right?”

He thought about it for a bit for answering. “Kind of.”

“So you probably know even more than me.”

He cocked his head. “If I did I wouldn’t have asked.”

“I mean there’s so many types. Family, biological or otherwise. Friendship, whether through laughter or tears. Romantic, from the blossoming beginnings to the time-tested roots.  
And of course we can’t forget the painful, unrequited love. Anyone can have any number of these. And if you can feel what everyone feels, well that’s a wealth of knowledge if there ever was one.”

“But I haven’t. Felt any.”

“Hmm, odd.” Well, it wasn’t an exact science, figuring out what Compassion encompassed. The fact that he spoke in snippets half the time didn’t help.  
Perhaps you were due for a little experiment.

“Come here.” You patted the ground next to you, scooting closer when he sat down. “Look at me.”

“I have been. Varric told me its polite to make eye contact.”

“Awww bless him.” You giggled, before peering seriously into his eyes. Were they dark brown or black?

“Something wrong?”

“I don’t know. Your eyes are usually sparkly. But they look fuzzy right now.”

“Fuzzy?” The innocent look of confusion on his face was too hard to resist.

“Maybe I need a better look.”

You put your hand on his cheek slowly, waiting for a sign of resistance. You were very happy to see he gave none.

Instead, he stared back at you with only questioning on his face.

You leaned into him, feeling the ground tilt beneath you, and pressed your lips into... a hand?

Someone had rudely shoved one between your faces.

“Why thank you, Inquisitor. My hand was quite cold.” The ground spun around you as you tried to find the owner of it.

“Is that how you warm them, then? I usually go by the fire myself.”

“Yes Cole, she was doing it out of the kindness of her big fat heart.”

“Well I don’t get cold easily. But thank you, ma’am.”

“Don’t mention it.” Your words were muffled when the hand pulled you up and you were slung over a very fashionable pauldron.

“Yes you’re the essence of magnanimity. Now let’s get you to your room.”

“We’re not there already?”

Dorian ignored you and patted Cole on the head instead. “See you tomorrow.”

“Probably.” 

“I can’t believe you almost made out with a demon.” Sera dry heaved twice. How she’d found out, you’d ask Dorian calmly later.

“You what?!” Cassandra, who had come in to go over some details for the next mission, was now staring at you agape.

“It’s not the demon part that weirds me out so much.” Varric remarked glibly. “But he’s sort of like a kid. Talk about cradle robbing.”

“Okay, gross.” The teasing was understandable, but calling you right a cradle robber was going too far. “He’s definitely the legal age now. Plus a few centuries or something.”

“I don’t see a problem with it.” Everyone jumped. Solas had been observing silently, so no one had noticed him. “They’re both consenting adults.”

“I don’t know if consenting is the right word. What if he doesn’t know what’s happening?” Vivienne wondered aloud.

“I’m pretty sure he’ll know when his pants come off.”

“Ew!” The group took their focus off you to express their shared disgust at Blackwell.

“Okay that’s it. New order. Nobody speaks about this again. Ever.”

Everyone grumbled, but they were a loyal bunch, if nothing else. 

“What aren’t we speaking about?”

Once again, Cole had snuck in and scared everyone.

“Nothing.” Cassandra spoke first. “And we are all in understanding of this, correct?”

More mumbles. Good enough.

“Except when it’s just you and me, right?” Sera whispered to Dorian.

“Absolutely. Drinks tonight?” Dorian whispered right back.

“You’re on!”

“What was that?” Cassandra growled at the two of them. You knew you were going to get an earful from her, but she had your back nonetheless.

“Nothing.”

“That’s what I thought. Now if you could busy yourselves elsewhere, I’d like to have a private talk with the Inquisitor.” 

There was a mad dash as Iron Bull and Varric got stuck together in the doorway for a second before the rest of the herd shoved them through.

“What were you thinking?!”

“Uhm, my lips were cold?”

“I’ve always objected to having a demon roam free among us. But this is a whole new level of danger.”

“I highly doubt he would to go on a rampage just because I hit on him.”

“You don’t know that.” She spoke harshly.

“He had no idea what was happening. As such, he had no reaction. Immediately and up until you just saw him.”

Cassandra nodded, exhaling slowly through her nose. “I’m thankful for that at least.”

“Yes, huge relief.” You couldn’t help responding sarcastically.

“Don’t tell me you’re disappointed!”

You rolled your eyes. “No. I may be prone to whimsy-“

“Irresponsibly.”

“But I’m an Inquisitor, first and foremost,” you enunciated.

Cassandra almost snapped back, thinking you were putting her in her place.

You raised an eyebrow, anticipating this.

In the end, she nodded again, understanding. “I know you won’t jeopardize our mission.”

“It is quite an undertaking.”

She couldn’t help chuckling. She was mostly appeased now. “You know, it shouldn’t be hard for you to find a more suitable partner. You’re quite charming.”

“I don’t need to wander into the fade to search, then?” You quirked an eyebrow at her.

She grinned. “Yes, this realm is enough.”

“Hawke is quite handsome, isn’t he?”

“Don’t you dare.”

“So, how was it?”

You should’ve known Varric would pick the moment you were taking a sip of hot soup to ask.

He definitely deserved getting a bean spit in his eye. 

“Nothing happened. And you’re violating direct orders.”

“Like you violated Cole last night-“

He now found himself face-down in the said soup. 

“Attention!” You stood up and yelled over the humdrum of lunch. Hundreds of heads turned to look at you. 

“This is what happens when you disobey direct orders.”  
You removed the dagger from Varric’s neck and his face from your bowl. “Everyone understand?”

“Actually, the Inquisitor was demonstrating what happens to our foes. To the Inquisition.” Cullen raised his glass and made a toast to relieve the sudden fear and tension in the room. There was a chorus of ‘hear-hear’s as Cullen mouthed the words “what on earth” to you.

“So, uh, you need more minestrone?”

“I’m not hungry. I’ll be in the Commander’s study to discuss strategy the rest of the day. We are not to be disturbed.”

“Aye-aye Captain.”

You stood up and motioned to Cullen, who followed you out the door.

“This is why we discuss with each other.” Sera crossed her arms. “Now you’ve ruined it.”

“Well I took the heat off you didn’t I?”

“Actually you turned the heat on, so to speak. The Inquisitor will be in a terrible mood the rest of the day.”

“Thank you for pointing out the obvious, Solas.”

The walk to Cullen’s study seemed longer than usual. Which was ridiculous because it was at most 500 steps away. But time seemed to stretch, even more so when you went and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

By the time he made it through the door, you’d rearranged the papers on his desk twice.

“Please, (y/n), I’ve asked you not to do that. You know I like my documents in a specific-“

The rest of his words ended up in your mouth.

Unfortunately, time seemed to speed up after that.

He held still for all of 3 seconds before backing away.

“They’re waiting for me at the range.”

“What, they didn’t get enough of you at lunch?”

“Well someone had to placate the crowd after you practically drowned Varric in a perfectly seasoned minestrone.”

“I’m definitely not the first one to publicly punish that damn dwarf for his pranks.”

“Yes, but you’re the Inquisitor.”

You folded your arms across your chest.

“The austere, reasonable and level-headed Inquisitor.”

You frowned, not entirely satisfied. He put his hands on your waist. “The very lovely, forgiving Inquisitor.”

You sat on the edge of his desk and sighed. “It’s not easy, trying to be the hero that inspires everyone all the time.”

“I know.” He walked over and leaned forward towards you. 

You closed your eyes and waited.

And waited.

And tried not to scream in frustration when you opened your eyes and saw he’d leaned forward to reorganize his desk.

“Cullen.”

“I have to go. The soldiers need more archery practice; their current fire rate is abysmal. And whether the arrows even hit the target is a long shot. Pun intended.”

You rolled your eyes. “I already told Varric we’d be strategizing all day. And you know he spreads word like wildfire.”

“The soldiers will know better than to skip training. They need to be ready for battle any day now.” He furrowed his brow. “That’s much important than this, don’t you agree?”

“This?”

“After all, we agreed it would be a one time thing.”

You shook your head, disappointed. “That’s not the only reason I came.”

“I thought we went over what we needed to in War Council earlier.”

You kept yourself from sighing. “We used to talk, Cullen. Not just about campaigns. Hell, we’d blow off a whole afternoon spending time together. As friends.”

“Well, that was then.” He rubbed his forehead and sighed. “Maybe we shouldn’t have done...what we did.”

“A little late for that I’d think.”

He bit his lip, looking unsure for once, which was alarming. “Let’s pretend it never happened. I would take it back if I could.”

You swallowed the sigh that was threatening to come out. “Are you sure?”

“I am. I’m sure you already figured out that’s what I wanted. You could always read me like a book.”

And damn him, he was right.

“Alright. It never happened.” You stuck out your hand to shake on it.

He pulled you into a quick hug. “Friends. As we always were.”

You got out of his way and he headed out the door.

“I almost forgot. Did you want to talk about Varric? I’m happy to listen. Whatever he was on about seemed to really annoy you.”

“He was just spouting nonsense.”

“Ah, So you didn’t actually deflower the demon?”

“Excuse me?!”

“Relax,” he said with a laugh. “I know you. But from now on, your romantic inclinations are just your own. I’ll have no say in them. Which is just how I’d like it.”

“So if I want to marry the nuggalope?”

He chuckled. “Like I said, Inquisitor, I know you. I’m sure I can predict who you’ll end up with. Now, don’t forget to call me Commander in front of the troops.”

“Get out of here Commander.”

“Hey, it’s my study!” He winked and strode off.

When you walked back this time, it seemed even longer than before.

You were comfortably nestled between a boulder and a staircase with a drink in your hand. Wine in a tall glass, whimsy and all.

“Inquisitor?”

“Ah, young pupil.” You gestured towards the rock as a joke, but he climbed up and perched there easily. “You here for another lesson?”

“Sure, I don’t mind.”

“Okay. After this glass.” You took three leisurely sips, before draining it completely. “Now, should we review what we learned yesterday?”

“I didn’t learn anything yesterday.”

“Ouch.” You pretended to be struck by an arrow, causing him to leap forward and unsheathe his daggers. “Joke! It was a joke!”

He put his knives away and hopped onto the rock again. You continued. “So you didn’t feel anything yesterday?”

“I felt your hand on my face, yes,” he answered.

“But nothing besides the physical touch?”

“No.”

“Hmm, interesting. Do you mind if I do it again?”

“Yes, if you don’t hit me with it.”

“I would never.”

“Okay.” You checked your surroundings for potential snitches. When the coast was clear, you reached out and he leaned forward so you could touch his face. “What does my hand feel like?”

“Cold. Rough. Sticky.”

“Yeah well you don’t get soft lady hands from battle. And I may have spilled a little wine earlier.”

“You’ve had five glasses.”

“Watching me, were you?”

“Yes.” He was glad to see you didn’t yell at him for that. Nobody should be mad when they are told the truth.

“You do that a lot, right?”

“Yes.” 

“Why?”

He looked at you, surprised. “You’re the Inquisitor. You’re leading this resistance. You must be kept safe at all costs. For the future of mankind.”

“Is that all?” You felt your heart beating faster. Was there something in the wine?

“Should there be more?”

You had no answer. More questions, instead. “You don’t know what love is. But do you know what friendship is?”

He nodded slowly. “I think so. Friendship is...caring about someone. Not just that they’re alive, or they’re not in pain, but more. Wanting them to be happy.”

You sat up, chastising yourself. You’d been wrapped up in your experiment without making sure the end goal was to his benefit. You were so focused on figuring it what you could make him feel, you forgot about what he already felt.

“I’m sorry Cole.”

“For what?”

“I forgot how much of a burden you carry. Having to feel everyone’s pain. I’m sorry you have to go through that all the time.”

He shrugged. “It’s what I do. What I’ve always done.” 

“I can’t imagine. It must be so difficult.”

“I can’t say. I’ve never done anything else. I have nothing to compare it to.”

“Well, let’s do something just for you. What would you like?”

“I like the singing in the pub.”

“Alright lets go listen.”

“I do, every night.”

“Maybe you’ll enjoy singing along too.”  
You stood up, wobbled, tripped, and pulled yourself up again. “Let’s go together.”

“Wait!”

He pulled you behind the staircase. “The cook is mad. I threw potatoes in the fire.”

“Again?”

“Last time it was turnips. We can go now. I’ve made us both disappear.”

He led you up the stairs, to a little alcove. As the two of you hopped onto the bannister, you noticed how warm his hand was.

“So, what did you see?”

“Nothing. The Inquisitor was just drunk and rambling. I mean she touched his face again, puke. But there was no dirty business.”

“Right, well thank you Sera.” Cassandra was relieved that no “dirty business” was going on.

“Don’t mention it. Wait, spies get paid right?”

“Your payment will be that I don’t tell the Inquisitor you were spying on her.”

“But you asked me to!”

“Only after I saw you hanging over her, clutching a rope. And pulled you to safety.”

“Ugh, Fine.”

“And you, Dorian?”

“Well I never thought I’d hear Cole say ‘baby don’t hurt me.’ Or sing it, rather.”

“I’m not sure how to even respond to that.”

“Not to worry, it was a line from the songstress’ newest work. They were singing along. I think she’s getting him to try new things. Normal things to help shape him into... well less of a spirit and more of a human, I’d say.”

“Thank you.” 

“No need for payment, Cassandra. Your gratitude is compensation enough.” Dorian smirked and ushered Sera away. They had plenty to gossip about now.

Cassandra felt guilty; not just for the violation of privacy, but for doubting you. It was easy to demand perfection from you, but it was unfair and unrealistic. She was glad to put the issue behind her now.

In bed, you stared at the ceiling, not the least bit sleepy.

Five drinks was a new record. Not just for being lucid and mostly mobile. For being unable to enter peaceful dreamland.

Two drinks used to put you out like a light. 

But as the war dragged on, three became the magic number. One with dinner, one when the the wax on your bedside candle pooled into a full circle, and one when your eyelids began to feel heavy.

You only added the fourth drink on the day you finally told the Commander you wanted him.

After that, four drinks became your lucky number. Four drinks each day you watched Cullen’s eyes linger whenever he thought no one was looking. When he offered to perfect your footwork for parries. When you got knocked down during spars and he pulled you up with one hand on your waist.

Four drinks the night you’d been yearning for finally came.

After he left as soon as you’d finished, four became five.

Five after he no longer met your eye when you weren’t talking business.  
Five after he started putting his hand on your shoulder, then immediately taking it off when anyone walked by.  
Five after he let you kiss him when you were alone, but never kissed back.

And now, five was no longer enough.

What is Love? Is it this sinking feeling in your stomach when you thought about him? Is it this need to numb yourself because you hated hoping he’d change his mind? Is it this dull ache in your heart that kept you tossing and turning?

“I’m sorry too.”

You barely registered Cole’s voice before the heaviness lifted and you curled up cozily, drifting off to sleep.

“You look chipper today, (y/n).”

“Yes, my beautiful ambassador. Aside from this pounding headache I feel cheerful.”

“Yes, a night of boozing will do that to you.”

“Don’t be silly. I don’t need alcohol to enjoy myself.”

She shoved you slightly with a smile. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

“Now, where are Leliana and Cullen?”

“Leliana is debriefing the new scouts. The Commander is still at breakfast. I take it things have progressed between you two. Since you’re finally using his name in public.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” You asked with a confused frown. “We’re good friends. There’s nothing to hide.”

“Just friends?”

Cullen walked in before you could answer. 

“Will we be starting without Leliana?”

“Yes Cu-, Commander.” Apparently the world was not ready for friendship, you mused.

He nodded firmly. “Let’s begin.”

And the meeting proceeded without any pangs or twinges in your chest as you watched him speak passionately about accepting new female soldiers.

“Is everything alright with (y/n)?”

Cullen kept a neutral face. “What do you mean, Josephine?”

“Well, she used to have a bit of longing whenever she spoke with you.”

“Did she?”

“Yes. And she would blush if you gave her positive feedback. But today she acted... well, normal. As if all her feelings about you vanished. All but the platonic ones.”

“I fail to see a problem with that.”

Josie looked at him dead on. “Maybe you can fool yourself. But everyone else can see it. And the two of you together could be a great thing.”

“There is no together between us.”

“Well if that’s your decision I won’t stop you.” Josie was an ambassador for a reason. “Still, if you need advice I’m always here.”

He was conflicted, but refused to show it. “Thank you, Josephine. I’ll keep it in mind. Now I’m off to welcome some women warriors.”

When Cole returned to his safe spot above the bar, you were sitting against the door with a glass in your hand.

“Juice,” you informed in case he was going to be judgey. Which of course he wasn’t. “No more alcohol for a long time. My stomach will be thanking me.”

“I see.” He felt his face muscles twitch. “Did you need something?”

“No, just taking a breather from the craziness.”

“How are you feeling?”

You gave him a genuine, gentle smile. “Good. Different. I know I’ve been worried for a long time, but now for the life of me I can’t remember why. Looking back, it seems like a miserable time.”

“Right.” He felt his face stretch oddly.

“Huh.” You looked at him happily. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you smile before.”

“Am I? Smiling?”

“Yes! How does it feel?”

“It feels...nice.”

You giggled. “Well, you should do it more often. It’s cute.”

“Cute?”

“Very much so.”

“Am I interrupting?” Leliana popped her head up from the stairs. “They’re begging for you to sing another rendition of ‘what is love’.”

You grinned. “Well, duty calls. Would you like to join me, Cole?”

“No.” Straight to the point, as was his style.

“Very well.” You made your way to the staircase, and strutted grandly downstairs to a cacophony off whoops and cheers.

“What did you do, Cole?”

“Pardon?”

Leliana gave him a serious look. “I know it was you. The Inquisitor has been acting strange. Of course, only those of us closest to her will notice. She’s unnaturally cheerful.”

He looked at her warily. “You don’t want (y/n) to be happy?”

She sighed heavily. “You made her forget Cullen, didn’t you?”

“Not him. Just one thing. About him.”

“That’s what I meant.” Leliana took a seat next to him. “You know things aren’t as simple as you see them.”

He looked down at his feet. “They should be.”

She put a hand on his shoulder. He flinched and scooted away. “You must promise me never to erase any of her memories again. It could be detrimental to all of us. Understand?”

“Yes.” He stood up and without another word, vanished. 

“(Y/n).”

You were surprised to see Cullen leaning against the door, waiting outside your room.

“Hello, Commander. You here for a private concert?”

He put a hand on your shoulder which seemed weirdly familiar. “It’s just us, (y/n). You don’t need to be formal.”

You shrugged. “If you say so, Cullen. So why are you here so late?”

“You said we never talk anymore. We both have some free time now, right?”

“That’s silly.” You crossed your eyes at him. “We talked this afternoon.”

“Yes, but not, you know. Personally.” He yawned involuntarily.

“You seem tired.” Perhaps that was why he forgot his hand was still on your shoulder. “We can chat tomorrow. How about in your study after lunch?”

“I- wait is that supposed to mean something?”

You peered at him oddly. “It means we will talk. In the location. Of your study. Did you have a few too many drinks tonight?”

“Ah, yes.” He put his hand behind his neck awkwardly. “That must be it.”

“Well we’ve all been there. Get some rest, Commander.”

You turned around to open your door, and felt his arms wrap quickly around your waist. “We’re ok, right (y/n)?”

You nudged him away. He was over-affectionate when he was drunk, it seemed. “Of course, Commander. Friends, always.”

“Friends.” He echoed at the back of your head, but you’d already gone in your room to get some sleep.

“Alright, Josephine, I’m taking your offer of talking about (y/n).”

“When I told you I’d lend an ear, Cullen, I meant anytime in the day before I’d put my nightgown and sleep mask on.”

“Right. Sorry.” In his frazzled state he’d forgotten what time it was.

She pulled off her eye mask with a scowl, but it shifted into shock at his expression. “What happened? You look...”

“Terrible. I know.” He looked around the room awkwardly.

“I guess this is an emergency. Come in. Sit.” She pointed to the chair beside her bed. “Tell me everything.”

“You must swear on your life not to tell another soul.”

“You military types are so dramatic. Fine. On my life.”

“Now don’t freak out. (Y/n) and I were intimate-“

“WHAT?!”

“I said not to freak out!”

“It’s kind of a big deal!” She took a deep breath to compose herself. “Fine. Continue.”

“Well I may have told her I regretted it-“

“Cullen Rutherford you absolute cad.”

“A bit harsh, I’d say, but mostly accurate.” He looked heavenward, as if an answer might drop from the sky. “I just had to tell someone. I have no idea what to do. It seems she’s completely put it behind her.”

“While I’m sure she hasn’t completely, you should thank your lucky stars. If it were me, I’d make sure you felt my cold icy stare for eternity.” Josie spoke scathingly.

“Duly noted. Now how do I proceed? She seems to have no interest in talking about it.”

“I’m not sure you deserve it, but it seems like the two of you had some fun and managed to continue on as friends without a huge falling out. Also not sure why you’re interrupting my beauty sleep to go over this, unless you’re gloating.”

“Absolutely not!” Cullen replied, horrified. Which Josie was glad to see. “I just want to make sure I do right by (y/n).”

“And what would that be? Marry her?”

“Huh?! Of course not!”

“That’s what I thought. You think you’re trying to be a gentleman, but you’re just another man who used a woman’s feelings for you to get your kicks.”

Cullen stood up with a start, knocking the chair over. “We’re finished here. I hope you remember what you promised.”

“Pfft. Fine. But only because I’m a woman of my word.”

Cullen wanted to storm out right then and there, but he resisted. “I’ll have you know...” he trailed off, not wanting to admit there was something besides battle and victory in his heart.

“I’m asking you to leave, Commander.”

He let his hands uncurl from the ever-ready fists that he was trained to have. “I wasn’t taking advantage of (y/n). I felt the same way as her. I just couldn’t tell her.”

“Well I’m glad it wasn’t just a carnal experience. Now get out.” Josie glared at Cullen’s retreating form, before dropping into bed with a flop.

What a mess.

“Long night, Josephine?” You teased, as the ambassador stumbled in looking half-asleep.

Josie lifted her tired eyes to wink at you. Even though she had gotten almost no sleep last night, she was happy to hear you use her name for once. “A lady never tells.”

“Good to hear.” Cullen walked in purposefully, but you could see the dark circles under his eyes.

“Are my right hand men and women all indisposed? Do we need to reschedule?” You joked. You never used to be in a good mood before noon, but today was like yesterday: surprisingly happy.

“I don’t know about those two, but I’m ready.” Leliana walked in, balancing a huge stack of papers.

“Wait a minute.” You pointed at Cullen, then at Josie. “Neither of you are well-rested, and you came in at the same time.” You gave a mock gasp of horror. “Don’t tell me! The two of you-“

“As if!”

“Disgusting!” The two glared at each other.

You held your hands up in surrender. “I kid, I kid. I know Cullen has a new list of eligible strong women.”

He frowned. “I am interested in their talents for combat only.”

“And Josephine, you could do better.”

“I agree.” Josie and Leliana spoke in unison.

“Now that we’ve gotten that misunderstanding out of the way, can we continue?” Cullen demanded.

“As you wish, dear Commander.”

After lunch, you walked to Cullen’s study as scheduled. You couldn’t help counting the steps, though you weren’t sure why. 457 steps, not that the information would be useful to anyone ever.

You sat down on the edge of the desk, swinging your feet. You had a flash of an image: you sitting there with your shirt half unbuttoned. How incredibly strange.

“(Y/n)!” Cullen burst in a few seconds later.

“Yes, Commander?” He seemed to be on edge, and you weren’t sure why.

“What the bloody hell was that?!”

“What was what?”

“That inference you made in the morning.” He stood with his arms crossed over his chest, and feet shoulder-width apart. His combative stance. You stood up, surprised.

“It was just a joke, I didn’t realize you’d be so upset.” He must be hungover, why else would he be so grumpy?

“Of course I would be upset! After the two of us-“ he coughed, cutting himself off.

“After the two of us?” You prompted.

“Damn it.” He put his fingers on his temples. “I guess I should let you know. I told Josephine what happened between us.”

“What happened when?”

“Are you really going to make me say it?” His voice rose despite his efforts to stay calm.

“I’m not making you say anything!” You were getting annoyed. Cullen was being unreasonable and you weren’t sure why, or about what.

His shoulders drooped, and he sighed. “You’re right. It was my idea to pretend nothing happened. If that’s what you want, I’ll respect it.”

You raised your eyebrows, thoroughly miffed. “I’m not going to pretend nothing happened if something happened. I just don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“No, you’re right.” He massaged his forehead slowly. “I’m talking crazy. We already agreed it’s nothing. No point in getting angry about nothing.”

“Exactly.” You were glad he was finally making sense. “So are we good?”

“If that’s what you want.”

You cursed under your breath. “Yes I want us to be good Cullen. I don’t even know why we’re fighting. If you’re unhappy with me or my performance-“

“No!” He assured quickly. “You’re fine. I mean great! Your performance was great.”

“Thank you. It’s not easy being Inquisitor, unfortunately.”

“Right. The last thing we need is any conflict getting in our way.”

“I agree. Now, you wanted to chat?”

“Ah, yes. Uh, about the new women who’ve joined up.”

“Great! Fill me in.”

When Cole came back from observing the healers, you were sitting at the top of the stairs with a mug of tea.

“You’re here again.”

“What, a girl can’t visit?”

“Most people don’t.”

You gave him a look of sympathy. “Isn’t it lonely?”

“Not really.”

You patted the step next to you and he sat down. You watched his legs to see if he swung them like you, but he was perfectly still.

“Can I ask something, (y/n)?”

“Sure.” You beamed, happy he was using your first name. The title Inquisitor got cumbersome after a while.

“Can you touch me again?”

“Hmm? Well sure, if you want me to.” A weird request, but it was Cole after all.

He leaned his face towards you, and you placed your hand on it. Somehow, as if they were moving on their own, your fingers started tracing his cheek and nose. He stared at you without blinking. 

Your face felt hot all of a sudden, probably from the tea. You put it down and put that hand on his other cheek, cupping his face. 

He twitched and you pulled your hands away immediately. “I’m so sorry, I don’t know why I did that. It must have been uncomfortable.”

“Too hot.” He pointed at the hand you’d been holding the mug with.

“Sorry again. Well it’s getting late, I should get some sleep.” You stood up quickly, accidentally splashing tea on your sleeve. 

“Wait.” He grabbed your hand with his; and even though you’d just spilled tea on it, your hand still seemed cold. Maybe because his felt so warm. “Stay.”

“I-“

“Inquisitor? Sorry to bother you but some scouts just got in and I thought you might like to hear from them yourself.”

“Definitely.” You turned to say goodbye to Cole but he had already let go and disappeared. “I’ll go see them now. And Leliana. Please call me (y/n).”

“Of course, Inquisitor.” She enunciated with a laugh.

Her smile dropped as soon as you left. “Come out Cole. I know you’re still here.”

He reappeared, but stayed six feet away.

“I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You’re angry again.”

“I need to know what exactly you made (y/n) forget.”

“I can’t say.”

“Keeping it from me benefits no one, Cole.”

“But I don’t know. What it was. I only know it made her very sad.”

“In that case, I think I know what it was.”

“What was it?”

“You don’t need to know.” Leliana did not want to give a birds and bees talk right now. Or ever. “Now I need you to tell me why you did it.”

He looked at her solidly. “I wanted her to be happy.”

“Is that it?” She sized him up, hoping she was wrong.

“Yes.”

“And there was no other reason? Something you felt that caused you to do what you did?”

“Why else?”

“Hmph.” Leliana walked towards him with a grimace, but he backed away once more. “You better not be lying to me.”

“I’m not. Honest.”

She sighed in resignation. “Very well. But you watch yourself. The Inquisitor isn’t someone you can get involved with.”

“Ok.” He decided not to ask her what involved meant; not in her current mood anyway.

“Good. And remember what you promised. No more making her forget anything.”

“I won’t.” There was nothing he needed to erase now. You were happy again. And that made him happy.

Finally, you could have some peace. The scouts had not been brief. Two of them were definitely in a hurry to get to know each other better in a clothing-less sort of way. Ironically, this made them take twice as long to make their reports; what with the fervent glances and innuendos through topography. It was almost impressive how many double entendres they managed to come up with. It would’ve been far more amusing if it hadn’t been the well past midnight.

No need for alcohol to fall asleep today. Although these few days you’d been sober had been easier than expected. And the morning was much more manageable without your head threatening to explode.

But the two scouts in heat had gotten you thinking. How would an Inquisitor go about finding some for herself?

Ideally, it would be someone who could keep a secret. This kind of thing getting out could cause a lot of difficulties. Was the herald of Andraste supposed to be celibate? Maybe you’d ask Leliana when she was in a bad mood so she wouldn’t chortle in your face. 

Now, it should also be someone you were attracted to. And vice versa. You weren’t sure why you’d never thought about this before. Duty before lust, you supposed. 

Now Cullen was your perfect type: tall, a few scars, sinewy muscles from constant training. That must be why you had that inappropriate thought when you were in his office. But your friendship was important, as was his position in your organization. Best not to muck it up.

Now Iron Bull had a body built like a God. And those horns must be great to hold onto when things got rough.

And Solas was delightfully slim. Beautiful ears too.

But despite your naughty and colorful musings, you couldn’t shake the thought. Your hands pulling his face towards yours. If you kissed him, would he feel anything?  
You couldn’t fool yourself into seeing it as just an experiment anymore.

You wanted to run your fingers through his hair. Would it feel like it looked, yellow straw? Or would it be soft, and nice to tug on.

Before your thoughts got any further, you fell asleep.

“Leli I believe we have a problem.”

“Agreed. I hope it’s the same one.”

“Cullen and (y/n) slept together.”

“Well, I guessed right. Unfortunately, that’s not mine.”

“Really?! Blast. Ok, what’s yours?”

“Cole made (y/n) forget she slept with Cullen.”

“Why in the hell would he do that?!”

“Let’s see, because (y/n) was head over heels but Cullen was only interested in sex? I’m assuming.”

“He admitted he’d fallen for her too. But only to me. Which made no sense at all, until now.”

“He thinks she’s avoiding talking about it, when really she has nothing to talk about. No idea, really, that it happened.”

“This is a disaster.” Josie flung a croissant at a nearby crow. 

“Maybe not. Who’s to say (y/n) needs to remember? It would mean her getting hurt all over again. And I don’t think Cole can actually reverse it.”

“What if he’s too dangerous to keep with us. How do we make him leave. Do we kill him?!”

“Josie, stop. Breathe.”

Josephine inhaled and exhaled slowly. “I guess he didn’t really get rid of a big event. He’s used to helping people in pain.” She shared a sad look with Leliana. “She must have been heartbroken, and couldn’t tell anyone.”

“I never thought about it that way. Cole usually only deals with those who are close to dying or have absolutely given up on life. Of course he does have a soft spot for the Inquisitor. But she handles so much loss on a day to day basis and he’s never stepped in before.” Leliana kicked a pebble across the grass. “It’s easy to forget she has her own troubles, outside of the Inquisition.”

“Let’s make an effort to check in on her more often.”

“That’s a much better idea than killing Cole.”

“That’s why I handle the nobility and politics. The spirit world is not for me.”

Most people would be unhappy with a face full of dirt. But you were glad to be sparring with Cullen again. The two of you should really challenge each other physically more often.

“Not bad,” Cullen huffed, fending off your stabs once more.

“You’re only winning because we swapped out my blades for ears of corn.” You were just as out of breath.

“I’m not letting you give me a second scar on my rib cage.” He winced, remembering you crying as you tied straps of your tunic around him. Oh and of course the searing pain.

“Why not? The first one is sexy.” You made a face, wondering where in the bloody blazes that came from.

Evidently he was caught off guard to. You took the opportunity to wrestle his sword away and pin him.

“Ready to admit defeat?”

“I don’t know. It’s not so bad having you sitting on me.”

You stared at each other for a moment, before you sprang in opposite directions. “I’m going to get cleaned up.”

“Yes. Same here. So, see you. Great spar.” He cursed himself for babbling like an idiot. But you’d hurried away so you hadn’t heard.

You couldn’t wait to take a bath and wash away the filthiness you felt from earlier. But you got distracted seeing Cole squatting outside the Ladies Bath.

“Cole what are you doing here? You know this looks bad, right?”

“Yes, but I’m not sure why.”

“It’s improper to see the opposite gender naked. Unless you’re in some physical relationship. Otherwise you’re just a pervert.”

He frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“Well, what are you even doing here?”

He looked at you candidly. “Waiting for you.”

“I’m flattered.” You smirked, but he missed it.

“I used to be the one. Who would find you. Now, you find me. I don’t...it’s different.”

You looked at him curiously. “What do you mean find me?”

This time he was the one who patted the rock beside him. You sat down, enchanted.

“I can hear it. The cries. Even if it’s not out loud.”

You scowled. “I never cry.”

“Inside. You do.”

“You’re mistaken.”

He shook his head adamantly.

“Cole, I don’t cry. I have nothing against showing emotion, even if it’s perceived as weakness. It’s natural. Just not to me.”

He looked at his feet. “It’s my fault.”

You put your arm around his shoulders. He made no move to resist. “Don’t think too hard on it. You don’t need to carry the world’s pain. It’s ok to let go sometimes.”

He sat in silence. You realized your arm was still on his shoulder, but it felt too heavy to move away. You felt your heart beating fast again. Maybe you were overtired from the spar.

You were planning a new training regimen in your head when suddenly he leaned over and kissed you smack dab in the middle of your lips.

You tried to hold still, but your body leaned into him instead. Your arms found their way around his neck, and you touched his hair softly. It wasn’t how you imagined it, but it was nice. 

He didn’t move, towards you or away from you. He stayed in the exact same position as you ran your tongue against his and nibbled on his lower lip.

You finally pulled away after you heard footsteps coming. “Quick. Make us invisible.” Not two seconds after the two of you vanished, a group of women soldiers ran by, gushing about the dreamy new Commander. 

You led him away from the baths, around the courtyard, up the stairs, and finally to your room. Only then did the spell wear off. “That was close. We can’t let them see us like that again, Cole.”

“Why?”

“It will cause unnecessary complications.”

He let go of your hand. “That’s what the Templar said to you when it happened.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“What we did. Just now. It’s what you and the Templar did.”

“I- with Cullen- Cole, this isn’t something you can joke about.”

He looked around the room, not meeting your eye. “You’ve forgotten. I thought it would be easier. To forget. But it’s not.”

“What do you mean? What have I forgotten?”

“This. With him.” He pulled you in and kissed you again. He didn’t hold still this time. He kissed your nose, your ear, and your neck. You squirmed a bit as it tickled, but he held you firmly against him.

“Cole-“

He pressed his lips against yours before you could say another word. Then he put his hands on either side of your shirt and ripped the buttons right off.

“Cole!”

He let go and walked back, keeping his eyes on yours. “You. This. With the Templar.”

You scrambled over to your dresser to find something to cover yourself. 

“I made you forget. So you wouldn’t be sad. But it was wrong.”

You stared at him wordlessly.

“I understand now. Because I...I don’t want to forget this.”

And then he was gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEEEEEEE
> 
> Yes I made the singer write “what is love” in the fic. It’s a good song.
> 
> Cole is adorable. He deserves all the love.
> 
> Leave a comment if you liked!!! I’m getting surgery in a few days and would like all the love I can get!
> 
> Quick poll 1: sequel??? If so what would you like to see
> 
> Quick poll 2: what gave you most feels??
> 
> Sorry Cullen lovers he gets the short straw this time. He gets love in my other fics!
> 
> Xoxo Bucky
> 
> Have a great weekend!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second and final installment of this adventure!!!
> 
> You and Cole deserve a happy ending!
> 
> Enjoy!! And leave me some love of you like!
> 
> Xoxo Bucky

There was a knock at the door. You shook yourself out of a daze.  “One second.” You quickly found something to cover your ripped shirt. 

You opened the door to find a very sweaty Cullen. “(Y/n), would you like to oversee some training for the new female recruits?” He took in your dirt-streaked face and messy hair. “Oh you haven’t had a chance to clean up yet.”

“No worries. I can participate alongside the new women in this case. It will be good to familiarize myself with them, and to fully experience the average day of a soldier under your command.” It would also be helpful to distract your mind from the bizarre and confusing event that had just occurred. 

“Very well. But I’d suggest changing out of that. You’ll be more than warm enough after a couple laps.”

“Good idea.” You pulled the sweater over your head, before realizing your chest and midriff were now breezy in the wind.

“Inquisitor? You- I-“

“Uhh...” you had both lost your ability to speak.

He averted his gaze and mumbled. “I’m getting mixed signals here.”

“No! That’s not what I meant! I just forgot I wasn’t wearing- underneath- ah...” you couldn’t finish the thought so you closed the door in his face instead and hurriedly changed.

The afternoon proceeded bumpily. You decided to watch the soldiers instead of participating because you couldn’t maintain eye contact with Cullen. He tried to correct multiple shield grips and sword stances without touching the women for more than 3 seconds. 

In the end you gave him an inconspicuous nod and left. You made your way to the healers tent, and watched for Cole. You hadn’t figured out quite what to say, but you didn’t want to hide in your room coming up with a perfect response. You needn’t have bothered, because he was nowhere to be found.

So you headed up to the top floor of the bar and waited.

And waited.

But he never showed up. Upset, you left using the roof so you wouldn’t be roped into a repeat performance of what is love.

You were even less sure of the answer now.

You kept walking when you saw a group oflady soldiers begging Cullen to help them with their footwork. 

You stopped by the kitchen to grab some cooking sherry. Not strong enough to knock you out, but maybe it would blur the sharp edges you were feeling in your chest.

Unfortunately you didn’t get to drink any since you tripped and dropped the bottle next to your bed. And, this is how we get ants.

“Damnit Cole what are you doing in here?! I know you’re not used to boundaries but this is the Inquisitor’s only sanctuary! To get away from all the friggin craziness!”

“I was sewing.” He held up your ripped shirt to show you the slightly crooked buttons he’d added.

“...oh.”

He turned around so you couldn’t see his face. “I’m sorry.”

“I...” You were dumbstruck by his sweet simplicity. You remembered your tongue slipping between his lips, and shivered involuntarily. You didn’t know how to admit it; you wanted more. From him.

But seeing his slumped posture you pushed aside the passionate thoughts. Instead, you walked forward and slipped your arms around his waist. You marveled that Cullen had done this just a few days ago. It felt different, but why? Because he had sprung it on you? Or because this time it was your decision? With who you wanted?

“What is love?” He whispered as his arms hung loosely by his side.

“I don’t know.” You murmured into his hair, feeling it tickle your nose. “But this is nice.”

He didn’t agree or disagree, but stood there silently until you moved away. You didn’t want to, but you had to clean up the mess before all of it soaked through the wood.

“I’ll help.” He grabbed your blanket off the bed and started sopping up the wine.

“Wait!” You pulled the blanket away, and he tugged it back. “Get a rag or something!”

He dropped it and backed off. When he spoke again, his voice was strained. “Helping is easy. Except for you.”

He hopped out the window, leaving you sticky and mad.

“(Y/n) has never skipped our morning meetings before.” Leliana consulted Josie worriedly. “Even when she’s ill, she hobbles in; we have to drag her back to her room to rest.”

“The cook reported that her cooking sherry went missing. Normally I’d blame Cole, but I saw a maiden bringing a purple-stained blanket out of (y/n)’s room. And an untouched breakfast tray.” Josie looked in the direction of your room gloomily. “She must have lapsed into her old habits.”

“Technically we could still blame Cole for this.”

“Yes his whole forgetting thing seems to have backfired.”

“By the way, where is Cullen?”

“Come in.” You kept your face under the pillow, but waved your visitor in.

“I heard you’re feeling under the weather so I brought some soup.”

You pointed at the table wordlessly.

Cullen put it down and sat down gingerly at the corner of the bed. “You seemed better for a few days. I thought...”

“That I was done being broken-hearted over you?”

He looked at you in surprise but you were still under the pillow. 

He exhaled deeply. “I never meant to hurt you.”

You didn’t move. “I know.”

“I know I said I would take it back; I was lying.”

You curled your fists under the fresh blanket.

“Every moment of it was ecstasy. I think about it all the time.”

You kept your face covered, but turned towards him.

“I don’t think now is the right time...but if it means now or never, I choose now. In a heartbeat.”

You tossed the pillow aside and sat up quickly. “The thing is, I can’t remember any of it.”

“What do you mean?” He looked at you in confusion.

“It’s gone. There’s a gap in my memory.”

He furrowed his brow. “Like amnesia?”

“Yes. I’m not sure why. But without it, I don’t see you the same way anymore.”

He took a deep breath, trying to stay calm. “How is this possible?”

You shook your head. “I have no idea. But...maybe it will jog my memory. If we-“

“You understand what you’re saying right?” He looked at you with severity.

“I just...

I feel so empty. Maybe because I’ve forgotten. Maybe because I’m so tired.

I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Why can’t I be loved?”

He slid to you over the blankets, and put your head in his lap.

He leaned in and you closed your eyes, in a flash of deja vu. And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

You cracked an eye open and saw his head dropped, and his eyes closed.

“Are you kidding me?!” Who falls asleep before a kiss?!

You heard a strange sound, halfway between a cough and sneeze.

“Knockout powder.” Cole materialized. You realized what the weird sound was.

“I’ve never heard you laugh before!” You were stuck between punching him in the stomach and giggling along.

“Come with me.” He took your hand, and your cheeks flushed pink. He led you to the place under the staircase where you’d hid from the cook.

“What’s going on?”

He didn’t answer right away. When he did speak, it was haltingly. “I didn’t want. Him. Love. You. No more crying.”

You put your hands on your hips, fed up. “Cole, you have no right to keep interfering-“

This time he kissed you softly, tracing his hands on your cheek like you did with him before.

“When they feel, I feel.”

He nuzzled your nose with his. “But with you, I feel more. Even when I’m not near you.”

He trailed kisses down your neck. “When you hurt, I hurt more. But when you smile, I-“

You pressed your lips on his and took his words from him. But instead of swallowing them, you said them back. “I love you.”

He licked your ear gently, before looking deep in your eyes. He needed to tell you the truth. “I’m not sure, what Love is.” He pulled your locks gently and sucked on your lower lip softly. “But I know I want to be with you.”

You let out a satisfied sigh. He undid your buttons slowly one by one; the way he’d wanted to all along. 

“Do we tell Cassandra about this?”

“Let’s get out of here and forget we ever saw this.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading lovelies! Wish me luck on my surgery tomorrow!
> 
> Xoxo Bucky


End file.
